Birthday Reflections

I turn 61 years old this month. My birthday always brings me to pause for reflection upon my life, where I've come from, where I am now and what's next.

My walk in life has been eventful, to say the least. I have been "saved" from death, physically, and saved from "death" spiritually, too. Physically, I purposely took an over dose at the age of 19, not really wanting to die, but so full of despair that I could see no other answer. So I did the deed and cried out to God to please help me, that is, if God really existed. When I awoke in the ER with a tube down my throat so they could pump my stomach, my first awareness was of a voice, telling me, "Yes, Pattie, there really is a God, I AM He." What a revelation! After that I had no doubt about His reality in my life. Soon afterwards, I was led to a small wood frame church near the beach where I live and I gave my life to Jesus Christ, forever. I had so much to learn and learn I did, mostly the hard way. Since that time, God has rescued me from other moments of physical death., too.

I grew up having a severe case of asthma throughout my childhood, which also followed me into adulthood. Not being able to get the air you need to breathe is a very scary thing. I remember sitting up in my bed at night as a child because it was so difficult to breathe lying down. The wheezing never stopped. Back in the 1950s they didn't have the miracle producing inhalers that they have now for asthmatics. Parents, if you have a child with asthma, I hope you will be very merciful and understanding. When you cannot get the oxygen needed to energize your body, you cannot do much of anything else, either. I didn't learn to ride a bike until I was 12, and then I could only ride it downhill, because I didn't have the energy to pedal it. To a child, this is embarrassing. But there was no other solution at the time.

I thank God every day for the progress in medicine that allows me to breathe today. I have inhalers at my disposal, a nebulizer, for when the inhalers don't work, and a horrific medicine (steroid) that I have had to take a lot of in my adult life. It has cost me a lot, physically, but it is a miracle med when it is needed. It will open up my airways when nothing else will. Steroids. A bad word in my vocabulary, but I am thankful for what they do.

After asking Jesus to be Lord of my life, I was committed to learning more and more about Him and how He wanted me to live my life. But after a failed marriage and two children who have been denied a happy home and family life with two parents, I struggled to maintain my beliefs. My kids lived with their dad for four years, (that's a whole other blog!) during which time I sort of went on a backward decline in my walk with God. But God loved me through it, He was faithful to His work in transforming me and He never gave up on me. I regained custody of my children after four years and recommitted my life to walking with Christ, to be the example that I wanted my children to follow. I could not preach to them unless I was living it. So I gave up my dating life, in return for a very satisfying and undistracted relationship with my children, following my Savior as my example. And it has proven fruitful.

Now my children are grown and I am a proud grammy to a beautiful little girl. And I love being a grandmother! She wears me out when I babysit her, but I would not give it up for anything! Being a grandmother is so awesome and rewarding and fun and special. I have the time now to fully enjoy her little life as she grows up and for that I am very thankful. As a mother and then a single mother, I was too busy to really appreciate all of the little things in the lives of my children. There was always so much to do that only I could do, and then I was so exhausted! With bouts of asthma attacks inbetween it all, I struggled with just being able to provide for and take care of all of us. But when I look back, I see that I got through it all, by God's sovereign grace and with His help so much of the time. My kids will tell you that I used to shut myself in my bedroom, not to be disturbed, so that I could take all my cares to my Lord and read His Word and get my life supply renewed. And every time I came out of that room, I was a different person, capable of handling life's challenges. Ask my kids about it. They soon learned to leave me alone for as long as I needed to spend time with My Lord, because mommy was so much nicer when she came out! Thank God for that, huh?!

Upon reflection, I never could have made it without my Jesus, my Papa and my Holy Spirit. They have been more than my help in my times of trouble, they have delivered me, set me free and given me new Life! I just don't know how single moms make it these days without Him. Whenever I couldn't take it anymore, I RAN to Him! Where else can one go to be renewed, refreshed, given a new lease on life? He is my Source, my Lover, my Provider, my Healer. Which brings me to my next reflection.

Sometimes I am asked why hasn't God healed me of asthma. Through the years I have asked the same question and struggled with it profoundly. But I have come to realize that his weakness is for my own good, just as Paul's thorn in the flesh was good for him. Paul prayed and asked God to heal him of his own weakness and God did not heal him. So he quit asking, accepting that in his weakness he was made strong in God's strength. And I have come to feel the same way. Usually, when I am struck down with breathing trouble, I am also reminded that I am to pray for others. It seems to be God's way of focusing my attention onto what He wants me to do, instead of me controlling my day, doing what I want to do. But that's okay with me. As He gives me people to pray for, intercession seems to bring the healing balm that I so desperately need. Yes, I still use the meds and the breathing treatments to open my airways, but sometimes it is the fulfilling of my prayer life that opens my airways. At other times, when I have had to go back on steroids, I must be still and know that He is God, resting in His presence and being filled with His life energy.

Once, when I was full of the fear of dying, the Lord called my name, as I was lying in my bed at night. I instantly flew straight up to Him, until He put up His hand and told me to stop. He shared with me that I no longer needed to fear death, that He would call my name, as He had just done, and I would come to Him, as I had just done. He then enveloped me with his LOVE, it was so real and tangible, there are no words to describe it! It was so awesome and beautiful and had texture and substance! I wanted to stay there with Him, but He said I had to go back, that my time to stay with Him was not yet come. And suddenly, I was back in my own bed. So I no longer fear death, I am excited to go and meet my Lord once again!

Which brings me to today. I know that I am here for God's purposes, still, as I have encountered another death experience in 2000, but God brought me back once again. My airways had completely closed off, I quit breathing and my heart stopped and kept stopping each time I was revived. Finally, it stuck open to life, so here I am. I am no longer able to work and am now on disability, due to my lung problems. But I am still open and willing to be used by my Lord Jesus, however He sees fit to use me. I do pray more now, not just for individuals, but for world situations, too. So my prayer life has been expanded as my physical life has become more limited. The big lesson I have learned here is that no matter what physical state we may be in, God can still use us for His purposes. And it doesn't matter how the world sees us, it only matters how God sees us. He is the Ultimate Goal, the Life-giver of my soul. And I will forever be grateful to be

Under His Wings